Poem: What to Do When You Have Suicide Ideation Again

Retreat to music.

Retreat to loved ones even if they’re not there physically.

Focus the majority of your energy on someone else’s mental health issues

instead of your own.

Lie to yourself about not being depressed,

and then tell yourself the truth upon realizing that you just don’t want to

experience it again.

Remind yourself that you’re broken and not broken

at the same time.

Write it down because you can’t scream it.

Your thoughts are all trapped inside your body,

so at least get it out on your phone screen,

God******

Listen to Third Eye Blind…and be disgusted

at how cheesy and cliché you are about

suicidal thoughts.

Remind yourself that these thoughts are not

as bad as the ones from the first time around.

Be thankful that you listed your struggles with anxiety and depression

on your application for the last

biblical missionary training you went to.

Remind yourself of how much it hurt when loved ones attempted and/or

succeeded.

Remind yourself of how when your best friend attempted,

You reminded them of how you’re all out of poems for death.

Remind yourself how you reminded them

that you will not write a poem for them.

Therefore, you friends will not

write poems for you.

Don’t tell your mother about your

suicidal ideation

because she can’t go through that a second time.

Sure, she may do better than the first time

if you tell her,

but your point still stands.

Listen to Christian music…

but not too much.

Because you refuse to be a cliché

again.

Write your prayers because you’re more honest with God

when you’re writing.

Use Twitter for random rants

because it’s the oddest form of venting,

and sometimes validation.

Pray for friends who don’t respond to your messages

of checking in;

especially when they’ve told you that

your persistence mattered to them.

Thank God for the one friend who did finally respond.

Remind yourself not to be a hypocrite,

because your friends are going through a similar journey as you;

up and down

in mental health,

whether circumstantial or not.

Tell yourself that you’re not alone,

and it’s normal to feel how you feel.

 

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Poem: A Tribute to Princess Leia

Note: This was a draft from 2015 when I was preparing for a Nerd Slam at the College Unions Poetry Slam Invitational at Virginia Commonwealth University. I never I got to perform it, and it’s been in my laptop since then. One of my friend’s convinced me to watch Star Wars after I started college, and Princess Leia has been my favorite since then. When I saw Episode VII in theaters for my birthday in December 2015, I shouted “Nobody has love for Leia?” Because Han Solo, Chewbacca, and Luke Skywalker all got their cheers and shouts, but I was the ONLY one cheering for General Leia! What the heck? I’ve watched movies with Carrie Fisher in it before watching Star Wars, and I liked her characters, but Princess Leia touched me the most.

A woman in modest garb and high buns that show your face,

Your presence on Star Wars has humbled men and women everywhere,

Your highness.

Princess Leia Organa,

I thank you.

You gave orders on a space ship full of men

With such affirmation and confidence,

Instead of a TV screen,

Little girls hoped it would be a mirror.

You made that reflection possible

When Hollywood still had trial and error of

Straying from the stay at home mom,

Or glamour girl,

Facades of how women were “supposed to be.”

In Episode VI,

I wept for you when you were enslaved to the hideous creature, Jabba the Hut.

Stripping you of your dignity into half nakedness,

Villains interpreted it as sexy,

But I knew the truth.

Strangling in your chains you portrayed the honesty

Of the chains by men labeled “virgin,” and “slut,”

“Model” and “Housewife.”

Yes you did look beautiful,

But beauty isn’t always safe or right.

And then you used those same chains to choke Jabba to death

That alien man who tried to weigh you down in insecurities

And Constructs

It was glorious!

It would not surprise me if you were the inspiration for Merida,

A princess of messy hair that flowed as a windy river to represent

Unorthodox beauty.

Peggy Carter,

A woman ahead of her time fighting along fellow supermen and mortal men.

Princess Elsa,

The first Disney princess that didn’t have to rule a kingdom with a man!

Your Highness,

You changed film history in the moment of fear and anxiety

Hammering through you to crush you flat upon being captured,

Instead of playing a maiden,

You are pure royalty as you give Darth Vader a glassy stare

Of readiness and courage.

You didn’t say it,

But I’m pretty sure you thought,

“Go screw yourself.”

Yours truly,

A fan.